Ma & Grandaddy
I can remember the days when I used to sit in Ma's lap eating chocolate ice cream watching our favorite movie (Fried Green Tomatoes) Ma was a very religious lady who believed that God had a plan for everyone. She always taught me right from wrong and helped me to believe that I could do anything if I set my mind to it. She was also fiercely protective of me and my family. My Grandaddy was the perfect grandfather. He worked hard and when he came home if my sister and I were there he would always do something to make us smile! He could also make a mean spaghetti sauce (the only meat recipe I will eat) They were taken from me way too soon. What makes their story so unique is how they passed. My Ma fell one day and needed to have surgery on her hip. It wasn't supposed to be life threatening surgery but any surgery for an older person is dangerous. Hers was no exception. She got a staph infection in the hospital after her surgery and it started to take her life. My grandaddy tried to remain strong but his health was failing as well. I believe his heart was breaking because his love was trapped in this uncomfortable place suffering for something that should have never happened. My grandaddy had to be admitted into the hospital as well because his heart was failing (broken heart). The icy grips of winter couldn't snap me back to the reality that I might lose both of my grandparents soon. I was only 8 years old. How was I supposed to process this. I didn't even really understand death or what happened when you died. I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen.
Christmas that year wasn't the same. We used to gather at Ma and Granddaddy's house with my dad's side of the family and open presents under their big Christmas tree. There would be no gathering that year. The only gathering we had was at the hospital at my grandparents beds. It would be any day now for the both of them and once again I didn't understand why. The day after Christmas my Grandaddy passed away. I just remember my father being so upset and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand that when someone passes away they are gone, they are no longer physically with us. Ma always spoke of angels and heaven but I just thought it was some sort of vacation and that you could return from it. I didn't understand that it was forever. Not ten days later after my grandaddy died my Ma died. Just before my Ma died she had lost all ability to speak. She must have known her time was coming soon because just before she died she closed her eyes, squeezed her children's hand's and one single tear rolled down her cheek to reveal a big smile on her face. She was going home to be with her husband. She was telling her kids that they would be alright and that she was fine. Of course all of this was a whirlwind of emotions for everyone in my family. I had really started to understand the finality of death and what it actually meant. I would never be able to sit on her lap again, never be able to hug granddaddy's waist as he was making his spaghetti sauce, never be able to sneak bon bon's out of the back room while Ma wasn't looking. Those memories keep them alive in my soul but they also are reminders of what got taken from me way too soon. What could have been, if I would have turned out differently. I miss them dearly every single day.
Meme
If anyone could pull me out of my rut and help me understand about my Ma and Granddaddy's death it would be my Meme. She was my rock, she taught me everything from tending to her garden or why I shouldn't beat up the little boy down the street because it wasn't "lady like". She became my best friend. She helped me fill the void that was left when I lost my Ma. She was a very elegant lady, who always kept her hair and nails done. I don't think I ever saw her wear anything other than her casual wear. I don't think that woman owned a pair or sweatpants or jeans. It was always slacks and blouses. She also had the neatest glasses. In her circle rims she could change the color to match what she was wearing. I got a huge kick out of this and would always make her let me change out the colors. I would also love to take out her dentures and put them in a glass to clean at night. I know these things were weird but she didn't even bat an eye when I asked her if I could do these things.
My meme would do anything for my cousins and I. She used to always fix us pizza grilled cheese in her grilled cheese maker. After fixing us food, setting our table and giving us our drinks she would always say, "when I get old an gray are you going to wait on me like I am waiting on you?" We used to always say no, but she knew we would. I never knew how true that statement would be in just a few short years.
She would pick us up from school and we would stay at her house until our parents came and got us, even though I never wanted to leave. When I got into middle school I started playing sports and couldn't go to my meme's in the afternoons like I used to. I always wanted her to come watch me play and I never understood why she wouldn't until I was older. Cancer had her in its grasp and was pulling her away from us very slowly. She proceeded on like everything was fine even though she was dying inside she always wore a smile. I hated seeing my Meme sad or hurting so whenever I was around I wouldn't give her the chance to get upset. I always made her laugh, it made me feel so good to say something completely bonkers and to always hear her laugh afterwards.
My mom tried to protect me from what was happening to my Meme but I knew it was bad. Every time the phone rang from my 8th grade year to my Junior year of high school I thought it would be the call saying that she was gone. She stayed strong through it all. She lost her hair but never lost her spirit. I tried to make light of the situation by saying I loved her peach fuzz hair. I remember rubbing her head all the time telling her how beautiful she looked. She still wore slacks and a blouse every single day. She wasn't going to let the big C ruin her routine. She had an up and down fight with cancer for about 8 years, but you would have never known it. Of course, the signs were there but she ignored them. She cooked in her kitchen until cancer wouldn't let her. She wore slacks until cancer wouldn't let her. She changed her glasses colors until cancer wouldn't let her. It took everything from her. Everything she was, was stolen by cancer. She didn't care she kept fighting always saying, I'll get it back, I'll be fine don't you worry about me.
A few weeks before my senior year of high school my volleyball team and I were going to our annual preseason camp at UNC-Greensboro. I had a tough decision to make, Meme's condition was getting worse and they weren't expecting her to last for more than a few days. I knew if I left for camp that when I got home she wouldn't be alive. She told me to go, to never give up on my dreams and she would always be with me. She then said her signature phrase, "Don't you worry about me I will be fine." I went to camp with a heavy heart. As soon as I stepped on the court though I had this power surging through me that I have never had before. It was like she was transferring what little energy she had left into me. The night before our last day at camp something felt wrong. It felt like my world was lopsided. We were about to play a team that we had to beat in order to get into the championship tournament the next day. We fought hard. They won a game and we won a game. It would all come down to the third game to determine who would be moving on to the tournament. Before the start of the third game I walked out on the court and I get a pang in my chest that literally almost knocked me down. I looked over at my setter/best friend Becca and said "She's Gone". It hadn't been confirmed but I knew it was true. We eventually won the game but it was all a blur to me. After the game was over I walked over to where our parents were sitting. I walked past becca's dad and he said I needed to see my parents. My father stopped me in my tracks and said that my Meme had passed away. I lost it. I completely broke down, I fell to my knees crying and screaming WHY. My teammates came and picked me up off the ground and told me that everything was going to be ok and that she was no longer suffering. I lost my best friend that day. But I gained a new one. I met at girl at camp that had just found out her grandmother had cancer the day my grandmother died. It's like my Meme was giving me someone to fill her void to help me understand the way he did when my Ma and Graddaddy died. We have been best friends ever since and I am so thankful for that.
A few weeks before my senior year of high school my volleyball team and I were going to our annual preseason camp at UNC-Greensboro. I had a tough decision to make, Meme's condition was getting worse and they weren't expecting her to last for more than a few days. I knew if I left for camp that when I got home she wouldn't be alive. She told me to go, to never give up on my dreams and she would always be with me. She then said her signature phrase, "Don't you worry about me I will be fine." I went to camp with a heavy heart. As soon as I stepped on the court though I had this power surging through me that I have never had before. It was like she was transferring what little energy she had left into me. The night before our last day at camp something felt wrong. It felt like my world was lopsided. We were about to play a team that we had to beat in order to get into the championship tournament the next day. We fought hard. They won a game and we won a game. It would all come down to the third game to determine who would be moving on to the tournament. Before the start of the third game I walked out on the court and I get a pang in my chest that literally almost knocked me down. I looked over at my setter/best friend Becca and said "She's Gone". It hadn't been confirmed but I knew it was true. We eventually won the game but it was all a blur to me. After the game was over I walked over to where our parents were sitting. I walked past becca's dad and he said I needed to see my parents. My father stopped me in my tracks and said that my Meme had passed away. I lost it. I completely broke down, I fell to my knees crying and screaming WHY. My teammates came and picked me up off the ground and told me that everything was going to be ok and that she was no longer suffering. I lost my best friend that day. But I gained a new one. I met at girl at camp that had just found out her grandmother had cancer the day my grandmother died. It's like my Meme was giving me someone to fill her void to help me understand the way he did when my Ma and Graddaddy died. We have been best friends ever since and I am so thankful for that.
I have missed my Meme everday since. I have a Christmas ornimate hanging in my car that my aunt got me for Christmas the year after her death to remember her by. It's been hanging in my car since the day I got it.
No one can replace her or what she did for me. No one can replace any of my grandparents for that matter. I am who I am today because of them. They made me this positive, funny, loveable person. Their teachings are valuable lessons that I could never replace. I miss you all every single day but I know your watching over me.
